The first thing you need to know is that the Luos are polygamous. Not in the weird hiding on a commune in Utah way that we think of in the US. More like the “Hey, how many wives does your dad have?” kind of way. Most men have at least two or three wives. That’s just the way it is. A few months ago the most famous Luo polygamist died. “Danger” Okuku had 136 wives and hundreds of children. He was considered a very successful man.
It is within this culture that I am regularly asked, “Jackie, why don’t you marry an African man?” My standard answer is that no Luo man would want to marry me. I expound on this by explaining that the man I marry will have only one wife: me. No second wife, no girlfriends, just me. This response is generally met with expressions of shock and disbelief. One man and one woman? How on earth could that work? This has initiated many interesting cultural discussions. They have ranged from dating culture in the US to questions about whether livestock exchanged in a dowry is included in a pre-nuptial agreement.
One of the most amusing of these conversations occurred this morning with Edwina. Edwina is one of our nurses and is one of the two other young, unmarried women who work here.
“We are waiting to get married. Right, Jackie?” She began
“Right, Edwina.” We have had a number of conversations about independence, building a career, and waiting to get married until you meet the right person. I consider her one of the most western-thinking young women in the area.
“When you get married, I’ll get married, too. You will find me a husband.”
“Sure,” I replied. “I will introduce you to some of my husband’s friends.”
“No,” she countered, “I mean that I will marry the same man. Then we can be co-wives!” Oh, no. Not you too, Edwina.
“Ummm, I don’t think so. My husband will be MY husband. No one elses.”
“So you are selfish.”
“Yes, when it comes to my future spouse, I am okay with being selfish.”
“But we are friends, and friends share,” she explained.
“That’s true,” I agreed. “We can share chai, shoes, nail polish . . . not a husband.”
“But that is how we do it here. It is our culture.”
“Which is exactly why I will not marry a Luo man.”
Matt’s take on the subject was somewhat different than mine. “Think about it, Jackie. It’s like having girls’ night all the time. And if you were with Edwina, then you would be sure you liked your co-wife. It’s like one big family. You’d have someone to talk with, to help with the children. If you wanted to go out there is always someone there to go with you.” Right, I’m sure that’s exactly how it works.
I had a similar conversation with one of the gentlemen on our staff. Though his arguments are probably not appropriate for this forum, let’s just say he has his own reasons for wanting more than one wife.
Later in the day I was playing around on facebook and noticed an interesting ad on the side. “Find a foreign husband at afrodate.com”. That may have been the first time I have seen facebook as promoting monogamy. It’s all about perspective.
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